In lieu of the usual Jensen Family holiday newsletter, we offer this top-secret communiqué intercepted by our doctors during a recent MRI on Amy’s brain.
FROM: CANCER AGENT X27
TO: ANAPLASTIC ASTROCYTOMA MISSION CONTROL
RE: 2007 YEAR-END PROGRESS REPORT
I REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT OUR ATTEMPT TO SUBVERT THE LIFE FORM DESIGNATED “AMY LESTLEY JENSEN” HAS FAILED.
TO RECAP, WE SUCCEEDED AT INDUCING A SEIZURE LAST JANUARY. ALAS, SUCCESSFUL BRAIN SURGERY AND SUBSEQUENT RADIOACTIVE BOMBARDMENT HAVE LEFT OUR FORCES DEPLETED AND ESSENTIALLY IMPOTENT. BUT YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT REALLY KILLED US? THREE THINGS:
1. THIS WOMAN IS TOUGHER THAN STEEL.
2. THE LADY HAS SOME BADASS FAMILY AND FRIENDS. THAT LOVE STUFF THEY LAVISHED HER WITH? HEAVY FREAKIN' METAL.
3. SHE’S GOT THAT GOD GUY ON HER SIDE.
IN THE END, WE MADE A COUPLE DENTS, RATTLED HER CAGE A LITTLE, PROMPTED HER AND HER FAMILY TO CONSIDER ANEW THEIR PRIORITIES, THE IMPORTANCE OF THEIR LOVED ONES, AND ALL THAT DEEP AND MEANINGFUL BLAH BLAH BLAH. IN OTHER WORDS, ALL WE SUCCEEDED IN DOING WAS IMPROVING HER LIFE (AND THE LIVES OF THOSE AROUND HER) AND MAKING CANCER LOOK AS TOUGH AS A HEAD COLD.
YOU KNOW HOW BADLY WE BOTCHED THIS JOB? SHE WENT ON VACATION. TWICE! FIRST, TO SEATTLE AND PORTLAND TO VISIT FAMILY; THEN, TO PARIS WITH HER HUSBAND. AND THEN, IN THE FALL--SHE TOOK A CLASS. IN KITCHEN DESIGN! WHAT KIND OF PERSON WITH BRAIN CANCER TAKES A CLASS IN KITCHEN DESIGN? A STEELY BROAD WITH BALLS THE SIZE OF BOULDERS, THAT’S WHO!
AMID ALL THIS, AMY’S FAMILY STRUGGLED SOME BUT PROVED RESILIENT. HER KIDS (BEN, AGE 6; LAUREN, AGE 4) FLOURISHED, AND HER HUSBAND, JEFF, CONTINUED TO WRITE FOR HIS MAGAZINE, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY, WHICH, BY THE WAY, TOTALLY RALLIED FOR HER. WE WEREN’T COUNTING ON THAT. A MAJOR CORPORATION ACTUALLY HELPING ITS EMPLOYEES? WHEN DOES THAT EVER HAPPEN?!
BOTTOM LINE: WE SCREWED UP. THE FEW OF US THAT ARE LEFT ARE HEADING UNDERGROUND. BUT SHE AND HER ARMY OF LOVE AND MEDICINE ARE HOT ON OUR TAIL, AND I WORRY FOR OUR CHANCES. ANYWAY, WHAT DOES IT MATTER? IF THE POINT OF OUR SO-CALLED DEADLY EXISTENCE WAS TO DIMINISH THE VALUE OF LIFE AND CONVINCE THEM THAT THEY ARE SOMETHING LESS OR DIFFERENT THAN THEY REALLY ARE… WELL, WE LOST THAT WAR. BADLY. AND, WORST OF ALL, HER HAIR LOOKS BETTER THAN BEFORE!
ANYWAY. SORRY WE SUCKED.
OH, AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.
AGENT X27—OUT.
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